Joy and Heartache

Just before Valentine's Day we joyfully shared with our families that we were expecting another baby.  Telling our children included a pre-birthday celebration with cake and baby related presents.  Kaomi was the first one to vocalize the idea we were presenting them through the presents that they were opening.

Cake for our party

Presents for announcement

Over the next couple of weeks we talked with joy about the new baby.  The kids were attempting to come up with names for us to consider and everyone was excited with the anticipation.  My Dad and Mom gave me a great new maternity shirt for my birthday.

We had studied Psalm 139 in our Biblical worldview class, we had studied it in our Adult Bible Fellowship class one Sunday, I had studied it in my personal devotions, and Jeff had discussed it with our family one evening during family devotions.  All of this was before we shared the news with our children.

Sadly, our baby passed away when I was eleven and a half weeks pregnant.   We looked at the tiny baby and truly the words from Psalm 139:13-16 returned to my mind and I knew it would be okay.

"For I you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Our baby's tiny thread-like fingers on a tiny hand, the eyes, nose, veins were all wonderfully made and God knew how many days our baby would live.

Jeff built a little box and we buried our Baby "J" as a family and mourned as we realized this was the only thing Jeff would build for this baby.

God knew that our joy over this baby would only be a short number of days and his peace is comforting.  The heartache is something I've never felt before, but all I could pray in the following days was "Thank you God for a beautiful baby."  Our children brought comfort they don't even know they were giving through their impromptu hugs, unexpected comments, laughter and smiles, piano practice of the song Blessings and others.

Thoughts of a grieving father:
I just can't imagine going through this without a deeply rooted relationship with my Creator. February 24th was by far the most emotionally difficult day of my life...I felt a pain and deprivation I have never felt before. It is a mystery to me...how can I so deeply miss someone who I have never met? Why do I love this unborn child so much? I can't fully describe it. I didn't understand my own emotions and I still don't (many who know me would be surprised that I even have emotions). Those emotions are even welling up as I write these words...6 weeks after that day.

And yet, through it all there was never a moment that I doubted God's goodness, sovereignty, or mercy. Never was I angry with him. Never did I question his authority over my life...over all life.  I am saddened, and yes, even still experience moments of sorrow, but who am I to question the Almighty Creator? Who am I to say he made a mistake or that he owes me something better? I have to believe that this plan...that I did not choose...that I did not want...is the best plan for me and my family.  I also have faith that my sweet baby is at perfect rest with Jesus, and he will never have to experience this life with sin and pain and sickness. I rejoice that God chose this special path for my baby, and as Su said above, we still got to experience joy for a short time because of this blessed child. Appropriately, we have chosen to call our baby 'J' for the joy and peace we all experienced through the whole thing, even until now.  Without God, we would have all the emotional pain and sorrow, but none of the hope, peace, and joy.  I couldn't survive without that, without Him.

When you see me, you won't see my sorrow because of the words of Psalm 139:

Psalm 139:1-6
[1] O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
[2] You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
[3] You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
[4] Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
[5] You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
[6] Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it. (ESV)

Birth Story of Colt and Kade

    I'd been having sporadic contractions that wouldn't get going regularly off and on for a few days.  I had an appointment with my doctor first thing on Tuesday morning.  When he saw me he said he was surprised I hadn't gone into labor yet.  I told him I was ready to have the babies, as pregnancy was very uncomfortable at this point.  We went ahead and had an exam done which showed I was already 5 cm. dilated and realized we were closer to having them then I thought.  Jeff and I discussed our options and we decided to go to the hospital after lunch where the plan was to have the doctor break my water to help get labor going.  We went home had breakfast, puttered around getting things ready to go to the hospital, got supper going in the crockpot, and had lunch.  While I was fixing lunch I felt a contraction or two and thought I hope this keeps up and won't have to have my water broken.  By the time we headed to the hospital I'd had a few contractions, but they still didn't seem to be getting regulated.  After we checked in and they hooked me and the babies up to the monitors we found out the contractions were regularly coming 8-10 minutes apart and I just wasn't feeling all of them.  After struggling to get 20 minutes of the twins heart rates, which seemed to take more like 45 minutes because twin B kept kicking the monitor off, I was allowed to get up and go for a walk.
    After the walk, we returned and they hooked us up to the monitors again.  The contractions were in the 6-10 minute range and I was just starting to feel them a little more.  The doctor came in around 6:10 and we decided to head out for another walk to keep things going.  We headed out onto the skybridge, which connects the building where we were with the main hospital.  Shortly after starting out to walk I had a stronger contraction and stopped for it to finish before I kept walking.  Jeff had gone to meet his sister and get something from her that she was bringing him.  My mom and Jeff's mom were walking with me.  I walked a little farther and then began having a contraction that just didn't seem to want to stop.  During this contraction or maybe I should say series of back to back contractions, Jeff and his sister came to where we were.  Jeff looked at my face and asked me if we needed a wheelchair.  I said, "Yes," but as he started to walk away I said "That's a pushing contraction."  Jeff took off running for the Labor and Delivery ward and called for our doctor and a wheelchair.  Our doctor heard him and took off running for where I was.  I remember looking up and seeing our doctor sprinting as fast as he could up the skybridge with Jeff not too far behind.  Following them was the rest of the labor and delivery ward nurses coming in what looked like slow motion.  The doctor called for a gurney after he got to me.  It was time to push though.  One of the first nurses to get to us helped lower me down toward the floor.  We thought the baby was going to arrive there, but the gurney arrived and between pushes the doctor, Jeff, and two other people lifted me onto the gurney and Colt was born a few seconds later.  They put him up on my belly and he was just precious to look at. 
    They raced me back to my labor room.  Jeff was handed the scissors to cut the cord, which he did for the first time of any of our babies.  Then my doctor broke my second bag of water and felt for the position of the baby.  The cord had prolapsed and he shoved it back inside while he got ready to help twin B come into the world.  I heard him say, "I feel hands and feet," at which point he asked if we were sure we were only having two babies.  I told him that we had only ever seen two babies on the sonograms and it would be quite a surprise.  If there were still two I told him I hoped one was a girl.  I thought maybe he was joking around.  He pulled Kade out feet first with the next contraction, five minutes after Colt was born.  Then he told the nurse he needed to check to make sure there wasn't another baby.  There wasn't ;)  WHEW!
    We were excited to have our boys born healthy.  Usually, twins are delivered in the OR because of the potential for an emergency c-section, but I guess Colt had other plans.  Jeff's sister hadn't expected to get to be there for their births, but her timing was perfect and she was very excited to be able to be there, as were both Jeff's mom and my mom.  We were the talk of the hospital and the first to have a baby born on the skybridge.   Colt was 9# 2 oz. and 19 3/4 inches long and Kade was 8# 6 oz. and 21 inches long.

Welcome, Colt and Kade!

Colt (orange) and Kade (yellow) with Daddy

Our Twins Have Arrived!

The twins were born tuesday at 39 weeks 2 days. 
Colt was 9 pounds 2 ounces and 19 3/4 inches.  Kade was 8 pounds 6 ounces and 21 inches.  They arrived healthy and safely and with a bang and a lot of drama.  Sometime soon I hope to get the birth story written up for those of you who like to read about births.

July Pregnancy Picture Update

Last week:

July 1st - 38 Weeks

 This week:

39 Weeks

39 Weeks

Hoping for the arrival of the twins to be soon!

A Peek into Our Twin Pregnancy

So far everything has been going well and we hope it continues to go that way.  It's getting harder to move around comfortably, but sitting and laying aren't the most comfortable either.  I move around and change positions a lot.  We are hoping that the babies wait until the end of June to arrive after my Mom and Dad get here.  My mom wants to be here for their birth.

Earlier this week I had a sonogram and the babies are continuing to grow in keeping with their large size.  They are both head down.

They measured in at somewhere around 5# 15 oz and 6# 6oz.  Of course we won't know for sure how much they will weigh until they are actually born.

Here's a peek at one of them from this week.

One twin's ear and hand and face and hand

Here are some belly pictures from Mother's Day and the Sunday before Memorial Day.

Memorial Day Weekend      -33 Weeks w/twins

Mother's Day 2015    -31 Weeks w/twins

A New Announcement and Cleaning Week 7

This week has been busy and full of excitement.  We've kind of felt excited like Christmas as a kid, only more so.

Between having two birthdays and Valentine's day we found out that we are going to have twins.  Needless to say my mind has been slightly muddled trying to take it all in and it's been kind of hard to get much done.

About 20 weeks with twins

Wow!  I look huge.  I'm glad I don't feel that big yet.  No wonder everyone's been looking at me strangely when I've been out.


On Valentines day we had hamburgers, purple mashed potatoes, and red juice for dinner.  That was about the extent of our celebration the day following Lissie's birthday.

Purple Mashed Potatoes

As for cleaning, since we just found out that we are having twins I thought I should begin working at getting the guest/sewing room straightened up.  I cleaned up leftover Christmas wrapping paper and projects and spent a while at my sewing machine enjoying mending and finishing several small projects.  There is still plenty to work on in this room, but with most of the mending that had built up over the last few months finished, most everything just needs to be returned to its home.

guest/sewing room before

guest/sewing room before

Since my brain has been quite overloaded this week the normal cleaning around the house had taken a step to the side.  So I gathered my kids and we all worked together to get back on top of some of the things that were bothering me.

Dining room before

Dining room after

 Kent was in charge of picking up and vacuuming the formal dining room/play area, sorting and starting a load of laundry and helping fold the clean laundry.

Katy and Kaomi were in charge of washing the large plastic dishes and lids and items that don't go in the dishwasher.

Dishes after

Dishes before

Laundry all gone!

Clark, Felicity, and I worked on folding the clean laundry (with Quinn's "help").  There were probably about 5 loads total that were folded.  Kent helped us after he finished his first responsibilities.

Laundry before

 I quickly tackled the shelf in the main area where we eat our meals.  I took the activity boxes upstairs and Clark brought one of today's down.  I threw away some trash.  I took the books that we had finished with school from the blue basket and put them away on the proper shelf upstairs.  There are still a few school papers in the blue basket that I need to put in the kids school binders, but it looks much better now.

Half wall before

Half wall after

Next weeks challenge for 34 Weeks of Clean is the living room.  Click the button below to find out the details of the challenge.

We Have a New Baby

Quinn Hezekiah was born this morning at 12:17 am.  He was 22 inches long and 9# 15 oz.

Watch for a picture and more details in the coming days.

38 Weeks

Well this baby is safe to deliver anytime.  I'm mentally ready, but would still prefer to finish getting a few things around the house done.  Do you know how challenging that is when you have 5 children to care for and by the time they have quiet time, you need to sit down and take a break, too?  It'll get done eventually.  Katy took the picture of me.  I didn't realize it was blurry until I downloaded it.  She needs a few more lessons on photography still.


We started back to school this week, at least to get a little more done before baby day.  We usually start back up pretty quickly after the baby is born, but I like to have the option to not start back if needed.


Our Sunday School Class gave us a diaper shower on Sunday.  We have a good stock of diapers now.  Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and who brought diapers and wipes for the new baby.






Linked with:

Raising Arrows            

Things to Do

I have several things that I need/want to work on to get ready for the baby, so I thought I'd make a list to share with you.  Over the next week or two I would like to:

-Make several meals to put in the freezer.  I think I have all the ingredients and just need to assemble them.  Need to do this in the next two days, as we bought meat for me to work on this already and it is easier to work with before freezing it.  Jan. 3 - I still have a few I would like to make, but most of them are in the freezer.
-Make chili powder. made on 1/21/13
-Un-decorate Christmas tree.
-Put away all Christmas decorations, books, nativity pieces, etc.  Jan. 13 - Everything seems to be down, just need to finish getting it put away
-Clean master closet.
-Clean master room where baby bed will go.  1/21 - This has kind of been done, we left a table there for the mid-wife to use and will take it down after the birth, then there will be room for the bed.
-Clean off my dresser and get it set up with the baby changing station.
-Decide what lessons we are going to start back to school with.  -I think for now Kent and Katy are going to work on English, Kaomi on reading and everyone on science.  It will be nice to not have to skip science fun after the baby arrives and I won't feel like making it fit into our schedule.
-Start back to school with a light schedule to add a little routine to the kids days, but still give me the time I feel I need to finish getting ready for the new baby.
-Look through baby clothes and pick out first couple of outfits in girl and boy colors and have them ready to go.
-Make sure we have everything needed for a planned home birth together in an easily accessible place.
-Make sure we have a package or two of newborn and size 1 diapers on hand.
-Clean out my dresser drawers.
-Work on Lissie and Clark's "school boxes" to give them some "new" things to help them while we are doing school or when the baby is just born and they need something to do.
-Make a special box of fun for Clark to use just when I am nursing and unable to run after him or check up on him.
-Clean my desk.
-Decide what I want to get Lissie for her birthday, as it should be a couple weeks after the new baby is born and I probably won't be doing much shopping after he/she is born.

I'm sure I probably won't get all of these things done in the next week or two, but having a plan to look at will help me remember the things that I have thought I should be working on.  I'll try to come back and update this list as I finish tasks or think of more to add.

Linked with:

Raising Arrows

Carry On

When you wake up and your hormones must be going crazy and you want to cry, but you have responsiblities what do you do?

Of course, you just pretend nothing is wrong.  You get the kids going in their regular routine.  You drink a cup of coffee with chocolate in it, drink a cup of hot chocolate, make your breakfast and add chocolate, burn your toast and make more.  Then you make your bed, ask 1 kid to pick up and vacuum a room that seems to have a dirtier floor than normal, send other kids to do something else,  tackle something that has been bothering you around the house and then do your normal chores.  Then you feel better because you feel like something has actually been done.  During those things you decide that since it is so cold outside and rounding kids up to go to a friends home for a previously scheduled activity would just be too much, you ask them if they could come over instead.  Of course they can and everyone enjoys coloring Christmas pictures, watching a movie and eating cookies before lunch.  Then you have to think about making lunch.  You have bread, but no leftovers to use or peanut butter to put on the bread, because you forgot to buy it the last time you went to the store.  So you make bread pudding (a.k.a. baked french toast), and the kids are excited to have breakfast for lunch, even though lunch won't be ready until after 1:00 pm.  You decide to have storytime while lunch is in the oven and the timing ends up perfect.  After lunch is finished quiet time has arrived and you find that you've made it through most of the day.  You wanted to work on a project during quiet time, but your brain is too "fried" to work on it so you save it to work on either in the evening or another day.  You sit down and try to think about what you should make for dinner and come up with some kind of plan using the leftover rice, potato, spicy sausage, sweet potato, spaghetti sauce and fresh veggies in your fridge and hope that when you actually make it there will be enough for everyone and that everyone will like it.

33 Weeks

Last week I saw a friend who is expecting her first child anyday now.  She was so tiny, that now I understand why several people look at me oddly when they ask when our baby is due and they find out not until the end of January.  I do think it's kind of funny when I am out and someone tells me that I'm not allowed to have the baby "here".

I'm beginning to feel rather uncomfortable as baby is growing and pressing into one of my kidneys.  This has happened in every pregnancy and they always choose the same kidney.  Felicity and Clark are finding it hard to sit in my lap and snuggle as well.

22 Weeks

Just thought some of you would like a picture of "Swimmer".

This pregnancy is going "just like the textbooks", as my midwife says.

Clark Walter

Yesterday I woke up around 3:30 am having contractions that were definitely real, but had no pattern to them yet.  I went back to sleep and let Jeff know in the morning that he didn't need to go to work as the baby was coming.  All morning the contractions continued, but again didn't really get a regularity.  Jeff kept asking me, "Is it time to go"?  Before lunch we took walk around the block to see if we could help get them going in the seemingly right direction.  After we returned home, I made lunch for everybody.  Then the contractions started to be more regular and more intense.  I sent all the kids for quiet time around two, and laid down for a little while myself.  Around 3 pm the contractions were getting to be 7-10 minutes apart so we knew that we would probably need to go soon.  I called a local friend and asked if they were available to watch the kids in a little while and we made arrangements to drop the kids off at their house on our way to the birth center.  We had been kind of planning on having a home birth, but knew that our midwife wasn't available to do a home birth yesterday and that we would need to go to the birth center.  I called the birth center and let them know that we were leaving shortly and had to drop the kids off first.  We dropped the kids off and continued to the birth center.  Jeff was in a hurry to get me there and I kept telling him, "its okay, slow down, we'll be there in time".  We arrived at the birth center about 3:55 pm and they took us right back.  I was already dilated to 8 cm.  I had no idea, but I knew when the midwife on duty said that, that it wouldn't be much longer.  We went to the birthing room and started to fill the tub with water for a water birth.  After two more contractions I knew I was going to need to push soon.  The tub wasn't full enough to have a water birth yet and I just said okay, lets not have it in the water then.  Clark Walter was born at 4:09 pm.  We spent some time snuggling and after a while they weighed him and did the assessments they needed to do.  He weighed 8# 14 oz. and was 20 3/4 inches long.  We were back at home around 7 pm and Jeff picked the kids up a little later.

Our New Baby!

Our baby was born this afternoon at 4:09 CST.  I'll post more details tomorrow.

40 weeks

Today I am 40 weeks.  This baby is due sometime soon.  We thought it was going to be here by now, but God has other plans.  My husband is great.  He is flexible and was able to take the kids for a little while when I was at the midwife's office today.  He took them to Chick-Fil-A and got them all milkshakes and let them play in the play area until I was done with my appointment.