Joy and Heartache

Just before Valentine's Day we joyfully shared with our families that we were expecting another baby.  Telling our children included a pre-birthday celebration with cake and baby related presents.  Kaomi was the first one to vocalize the idea we were presenting them through the presents that they were opening.

Cake for our party

Presents for announcement

Over the next couple of weeks we talked with joy about the new baby.  The kids were attempting to come up with names for us to consider and everyone was excited with the anticipation.  My Dad and Mom gave me a great new maternity shirt for my birthday.

We had studied Psalm 139 in our Biblical worldview class, we had studied it in our Adult Bible Fellowship class one Sunday, I had studied it in my personal devotions, and Jeff had discussed it with our family one evening during family devotions.  All of this was before we shared the news with our children.

Sadly, our baby passed away when I was eleven and a half weeks pregnant.   We looked at the tiny baby and truly the words from Psalm 139:13-16 returned to my mind and I knew it would be okay.

"For I you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Our baby's tiny thread-like fingers on a tiny hand, the eyes, nose, veins were all wonderfully made and God knew how many days our baby would live.

Jeff built a little box and we buried our Baby "J" as a family and mourned as we realized this was the only thing Jeff would build for this baby.

God knew that our joy over this baby would only be a short number of days and his peace is comforting.  The heartache is something I've never felt before, but all I could pray in the following days was "Thank you God for a beautiful baby."  Our children brought comfort they don't even know they were giving through their impromptu hugs, unexpected comments, laughter and smiles, piano practice of the song Blessings and others.

Thoughts of a grieving father:
I just can't imagine going through this without a deeply rooted relationship with my Creator. February 24th was by far the most emotionally difficult day of my life...I felt a pain and deprivation I have never felt before. It is a mystery to me...how can I so deeply miss someone who I have never met? Why do I love this unborn child so much? I can't fully describe it. I didn't understand my own emotions and I still don't (many who know me would be surprised that I even have emotions). Those emotions are even welling up as I write these words...6 weeks after that day.

And yet, through it all there was never a moment that I doubted God's goodness, sovereignty, or mercy. Never was I angry with him. Never did I question his authority over my life...over all life.  I am saddened, and yes, even still experience moments of sorrow, but who am I to question the Almighty Creator? Who am I to say he made a mistake or that he owes me something better? I have to believe that this plan...that I did not choose...that I did not want...is the best plan for me and my family.  I also have faith that my sweet baby is at perfect rest with Jesus, and he will never have to experience this life with sin and pain and sickness. I rejoice that God chose this special path for my baby, and as Su said above, we still got to experience joy for a short time because of this blessed child. Appropriately, we have chosen to call our baby 'J' for the joy and peace we all experienced through the whole thing, even until now.  Without God, we would have all the emotional pain and sorrow, but none of the hope, peace, and joy.  I couldn't survive without that, without Him.

When you see me, you won't see my sorrow because of the words of Psalm 139:

Psalm 139:1-6
[1] O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
[2] You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
[3] You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
[4] Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
[5] You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
[6] Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it. (ESV)

Are Your Children a Burden or a Blessing?

Earlier this year I had a short conversation with a seasoned mom who mentioned that her now grown children told her they felt like they were a burden to their mom while they were growing up.  She said she never meant to make them feel like that and admitted that she was very busy with normal life, a child with special needs, and getting a home business off the ground.  She said she probably had too much on her plate.

As I’ve pondered her words, I’ve prayed that I haven’t made my children feel like they are a burden in my life.  If I have made them feel that way I hope that when they are grown they will not remember, unless they also remember that I love them and I worked hard to make them feel like they belong to our family.

What can I do to make sure that my children don’t think they are a burden?

Note:  I started writing this post a few months ago and had plans to add scripture to help remind us that the children God has given us are a blessing from him.  If God gives a blessing, who am I to undermine him by making my children feel like they aren’t a blessing.  Since I've been busy and haven't I wanted to post these thoughts anyway.

My prayer for those of you who read this post is to ponder the idea of how you look at your own children or other family members.  Do you treat them like they are a burden or do you strive to enjoy them, no matter how busy you think you are?

A New Announcement and Cleaning Week 7

This week has been busy and full of excitement.  We've kind of felt excited like Christmas as a kid, only more so.

Between having two birthdays and Valentine's day we found out that we are going to have twins.  Needless to say my mind has been slightly muddled trying to take it all in and it's been kind of hard to get much done.

About 20 weeks with twins

Wow!  I look huge.  I'm glad I don't feel that big yet.  No wonder everyone's been looking at me strangely when I've been out.


On Valentines day we had hamburgers, purple mashed potatoes, and red juice for dinner.  That was about the extent of our celebration the day following Lissie's birthday.

Purple Mashed Potatoes

As for cleaning, since we just found out that we are having twins I thought I should begin working at getting the guest/sewing room straightened up.  I cleaned up leftover Christmas wrapping paper and projects and spent a while at my sewing machine enjoying mending and finishing several small projects.  There is still plenty to work on in this room, but with most of the mending that had built up over the last few months finished, most everything just needs to be returned to its home.

guest/sewing room before

guest/sewing room before

Since my brain has been quite overloaded this week the normal cleaning around the house had taken a step to the side.  So I gathered my kids and we all worked together to get back on top of some of the things that were bothering me.

Dining room before

Dining room after

 Kent was in charge of picking up and vacuuming the formal dining room/play area, sorting and starting a load of laundry and helping fold the clean laundry.

Katy and Kaomi were in charge of washing the large plastic dishes and lids and items that don't go in the dishwasher.

Dishes after

Dishes before

Laundry all gone!

Clark, Felicity, and I worked on folding the clean laundry (with Quinn's "help").  There were probably about 5 loads total that were folded.  Kent helped us after he finished his first responsibilities.

Laundry before

 I quickly tackled the shelf in the main area where we eat our meals.  I took the activity boxes upstairs and Clark brought one of today's down.  I threw away some trash.  I took the books that we had finished with school from the blue basket and put them away on the proper shelf upstairs.  There are still a few school papers in the blue basket that I need to put in the kids school binders, but it looks much better now.

Half wall before

Half wall after

Next weeks challenge for 34 Weeks of Clean is the living room.  Click the button below to find out the details of the challenge.

My Life is Full - Part 3

In part one I share how my younger children fill my life.  In part two I shared how my older children fill my life.  This time I'm going to share the other things in my life that make my life full.

Jeff - My spouse fills my life with support for me and our family.  He's there when I need him whether in person or by phone.  He is a great help around the house.  He builds things for our home and play.  He watches the kids so I can take a walk some evenings after dinner.  He's strong.  He wants to be a good leader in our family.  He eats ice cream with me.  We sit together on the couch to watch TV.  He plays board or card games with me occasionally, even though he doesn't prefer to play games.  He helps the kids with their math if they are struggling with a concept.  He gives me a day or several hours a month to work on projects or do something that I would like to do by myself.  He does so much to fill my life that I can't write everything here or even think of everything at the same time.


My life is also full of the things I do for my home and family.  I shop, cook, and plan meals and snacks.  I make sure that the mountains of clean laundry get folded, eventually.  I like folding laundry.  I delegate chores to the kids that they can help with in the laundry room, bathrooms, kitchen or just around the house.  Then I try to do the things they couldn't do.  I try to keep decluttering things that I find we don't use, so that they aren't in the way.  I try to encourage the kids to play outside and I go out with them to keep an eye on the little ones.  I teach our homeschool and try to make sure that I am ready to start school on Mondays because my preparation seems to help everything go fairly smoothly.  I'm hoping to get my garden planted soon and then there will also be garden maintenance and harvesting when the time comes.


My full life helps me stay content in my home doing the things I'm supposed to do.  It's plenty of fun, has plenty of craziness, and yes, can even have days of struggling to make it to bed at the end of the day without going crazy myself.  I thank God for giving me this full life and as long as I remember to keep everything in perspective I'm happy with it.

Linked with:
Raising Arrows     

Tomato Sauce

About a month ago I had the opportunity to take home some tomatoes that were headed for the trash.

 They were starting to mold and had small bad spots.  I wouldn't have purchased them, but they were FREE to me.  I diced them up.

 That's almost twenty cups of diced tomatoes.  Did I mention I didn't buy them?

They turned into five pints of tomato sauce.  Which was on my shopping list to get and I got to cross it off without ever going to the store.  We've already used one pint and it was better than the canned stuff.  Yippee!!!

My Life is Full - Part 2

In part one I talked about how my three youngest children fill my life.  This time I'm going to share how the older three children also fill my life full.  They don't do all the fun little things that my littlest ones do, but there are plenty of fulfilling times that they add to my life in their own ways.

Kaomi - My quiet six year old keeps me guessing.  I often don't know what she is thinking.  She tends to be quiet and often doesn't speak up when she needs something.  She enjoys reading, which she used to struggle with.  She dislikes copywork so much that she will just sit and do it very slowly.  She likes to sit next to me when I am reading and she likes to have her back rubbed.  She likes to play dollhouse and set up scenes for me to look at.  She also likes to play pretend and help in the kitchen.  She likes babies, too.  She likes to try to get out of doing her chores by doing them very slowly or not doing them and hoping we don't notice.  She likes horses and got a chance to ride one a couple weeks ago and hopes she will get to do it again soon.

Katy - My competitive eight year old thinks like I do.  I understand her and can tell what she is thinking sometimes.  She likes help make lunch on the weekends.  She often fixes something for everyone to eat if she is given the chance.  Her independent streak shows when she wants to know how to do something, but as soon as she is shown she wants to do it by herself.  She enjoys embroidering and wants to learn how to sew.  She loves to help with Quinn and carry him around.  She likes horses and likes to read books about horses and really enjoyed getting to ride one a couple weeks ago with Kaomi and is looking forward to riding again.

Kent - My reluctant nine (almost ten) year old is beginning to show interest in doing things that show he is maturing.  He likes to help Jeff grill.  He thrives with structure for his day.  He struggles with change, but we work together to try and help him accept and adjust to it.  He tells every little detail about something he wants to talk about.  He likes to throw his football.  He enjoys visiting with our elderly neighbor.  I enjoy looking at his Lego designs from vehicles to sets for an action scene.  His ability to do a good job on his chores is improving and when he wants to do a good job there is little for me to have him finish.  He likes to go to CSB each week and is disappointed if something prevents him from getting to attend.  Kent also reads a lot.  Recently, he finished reading The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings series by J.R. Tolkien.

Next time I'll finish up with other things that fill my life in Part 3.

Linked with"
Raising Arrows     

First Major Storm of the Season

Yesterday we had thunderstorms.  One of the storms just popped up suddenly without much warning.  Kent had gone outside to play and came in saying it just started thundering and he wanted to know if it was going to last long.  I looked online at the radar and as I watched the pictures were making me uneasy.  I kept watching the sky, too.  There was a wall cloud forming to the south that I was keeping an eye on from the front porch.   The tornado sirens started going off and I saw a funnel begin to form, it started hailing, and I headed in to get the kids to the closet under the stairs.  By the time I walked through the door ALL the kids were already in the closet on top of the vacuum and other boxes that were there.  They heard the siren go off and took off for the closet as fast as they could go and even took Quinn with them.  They made me a little bit proud to know that they knew where they should go and they shouldn''t wait.  I moved enough stuff out of the closet so we could all sit on the floor, added blankets and my computer and we closed the door.  I told the kids the electricity might go off and that if it did it was okay.  I opened a bucket of stuff I have set aside and gave the little kids each a toy and handed out a few books to be looked at.  That helped distract at least a few of the kids.  The hail pounded on the house and windows and it was very loud.  It seemed like a long time, but it was probably only several minutes.  After, the noise stopped I ventured out of the closet.  The yard was covered with hail.   We continued to have hail two more times before the storm ended.  Our electricity did go out for a minute or two towards the end of the storm, but since my computer was on there was still light in the closet.  I didn't have a flashlight with me.  It produced large hail up to ping-pong ball size and possibly a few pieces even larger than that.  The tornado I saw isn't reported to have touched the ground, but it was the beginning of a nasty storm that moved east and did form more tornadoes.  The van has dimples all over it now, but the windows stayed intact and there appears to be no other storm damage to our property.  Jeff was in Denton taking shelter where he was before returning home.

We are thanking God for his safety in the storm and hoping that when other storms come they don't have the threat of tornadoes with them.

My Life is Full - Part 1

My life is full of enjoying my children.  I thought I would share some of the ways my youngest children constantly fill my life.

Quinn -  My sweet one year old fills my life with giggles.  He likes to be tickled and to tickle others.  He still nurses several times a day and once or twice at night.  With nursing comes extra snuggles and holding a sleeping baby who is sometimes just too cute to put down right away.  He is learning that it is fun to play with cars, especially with Clark.  He also gives lots of hugs to anyone who is close enough to receive them.  He isn't walking independently yet, but I think as soon as he realizes how much fun it is he will run as fast as he can to wherever he wants to go.

Clark - My very busy two year old fills my life with cute actions and sayings.  He loves to help me in the kitchen.  Lately, he's been helping me make lunch and he's been rushing in to set the table for dinner, even though it is Felicity's job.  He loves playing with cars, trucks, and airplanes.  He likes to build garages for his fire truck and police cars with Duplo Legos.  He snuggles with me when he has just woken up and sits in my lap during the older kids storytime.  Occasionally, he'll fall asleep while I'm reading.  He seldom takes a nap and his afternoon quiet time is full of play.  I just encourage him to stay in his room and stay relatively quiet.  He enjoys preschool time.  He really enjoys playing outside and I have to watch him closely if we are in the front yard as he has quickly disappeared before we realize he had even moved.  He loves to ride the blue tricycle.  He runs his feet up and down the sidewalk as fast as he can and doesn't often use the pedals which are still a little hard to reach.  He is learning to put words into coherrent sentences, but likes to make up his own words and pretend he is saying something.  He loves to "play" football, just like his big brother, Kent.

Felicity - My gentle 4 year old enjoys life to the fullest.  She spends time playing pretend with her dolls, animals and other toys.  She has fun building puzzles and her excitement is catching as she shows me how she finished the puzzle she was working on.  She loves to play with Clark and they are so much fun to watch when they are playing together.  She enjoys making crafts and coloring, often giving her beautiful masterpieces to me to hang on the wall.  We also enjoy having a snuggle with a story.  When she eats something that she really likes she has a special look on her face and sucks her bottom lip in enjoyment.  She's done this since she was a baby and it is still precious.  She also likes to play outside and rides her red tricycle up and down the sidewalk.

As you can see there is so much to take in just with these children, that I will follow up with My Life is Full - Part 2 about my older three children.

Linked with:
Raising Arrows     

An Evening with Lissie

Tonight Jeff took Kent, Katy, Kaomi, and Clark to check in the cars for the CSB race tomorrow.  Lissie and Quinn got to stay home we me.  Lissie was a little dissapointed to not get to go, but she was also excited to stay home and do something special with Mommy.  First, we went for a short walk.  As we were walking Felicity commented on how bright the stars were and then she shouted out, "I see O Lion's belt."  She saw the constellation Orion's belt and was so excited.  It is fun to see the things that she picked up from the older kids study of the constellations in science earlier this year.  When we got home from our walk she got ready for bed and got to choose something to watch from Netflix.  While I fed Quinn she watched "Clifford".  When the tv was off it was almost time for bed, so we snuggled and I read her some library books that she wanted me to read to her.  Then I tucked her into bed and made sure she had enough stuffed animals to keep her company since the older girls weren't there.  I left her with the night light on and she was looking very sleepy.

Big Sisters

Suanna's Birthday -2014

On my birthday, Katy and Kaomi made a special place setting for me and Katy gave me some bread for me to have toast.

I picked out a special outfit for Quinn.

Kent oversaw everyone playing with playdoh and cleaned up afterwards, while I talked to my dad on the phone.

Clark made a project for me, because he wasn't allowed to go upstairs.

Kent helped with Quinn.

I read stories to everyone and played Nertz with Kent, Katy, and Kaomi during quiet time.  Then the older kids had quiet time, too.  Jeff came home early from work to surprise me.

Katy found the idea for my octopus cake in a magazine at the doctor's office.  She and Jeff banned me from the kitchen while they assembled it.

We all went for a walk around the neighborhood and Jeff surprised me by taking us all out to dinner at Miguelitos.

When we came home everyone sang "Happy Birthday" and then gave me presents that they had picked out with Jeff at the store and made by themselves.

Here is my octopus cupcake.

They made me feel special all day long.

A Child's Love

I just love it when my children come up to me and want to give me a hug and kiss just because they love me.  The sweetness of their love warms my heart and helps make my day.

A True Stay-cation

We've been iced over in our area of Texas.  We are thankful to all be together and safe with food, shelter, and electricity.  Highways around us have become temporary parking lots.  The truck that delivers our Bountiful Baskets orders is out there on one of them.  There were no deliveries on the route that we are on today.  Pray for safety and peace for all those who are still stranded.  We get to stay home and enjoy doing things together.  We've worked on Christmas projects, watched movies, played outside, chatted with a neighbor, played games and had close by family visit.  I have no desire to go out onto the treacherous streets to drive and become stranded or worse.  Church has been canceled for tomorrow so we have invited those who are close enough to come and join us in worship at our home.  The weather forecast is predicting that we may have a new layer of thin ice on top of what we already have and they are staying the roads will continue to be unsafe for travelers through Tuesday morning.   I've taken pictures of the children playing outside and am hoping to share them with you soon.

Counting it Joy in November - Week 4

1.  Clark's thinking he's starving every morning between 9:30 and 10:00 and wanting to make lunch.  He likes to get out the bread and put it on the counter and sometimes he gets out chips or peanuts, too.  He's usually satisfied for a short time if I give him a piece of bread or a couple crackers or fruit.
2.  Projects plans
3.  Shopping trips with all the kids
4.  Assembled Christmas project kits that the kid will take to work on
5.  My Dad cut himself with a knife and was able to get the follow up care including a simple surgery
6.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Counting It Joy in November - Week 3

1.  Happy Chatter of kids in the morning
2.  Forgetting to start supper in the crock-pot 3 days in a row - meant we had dinner at the end of a long day later in the week.
3.  Beautiful, sunny warm days
4.  Quinn sleeping for two nights and only getting up to eat, after which he returned to his bed with no crying.
5. A whole Saturday at home - Jeff picked up our Bountiful Basket order at 7 am.
6.  Football - Denver beat the Chiefs
7.  Monday night girls Bible Study
8.  Painting
9.  Sewing doll clothes on a whim
10.  Guitar music being played by my husband
11.  Decorative houses lighting my kitchen
12.  Felicity snuggling by my feet in the early morning on the love seat

Counting it Joy in November - Week 2

1.  Serving others who really appreciated the thoughtfulness.
2. Kent getting to spend a day with Daddy at the office.
3.  Katy initiated play with items that aren't available for playing with whenever someone want to use them - this kept four children occupied for a while and gave me a chance to think straight again after a crazy start to the morning.
4.  Having a rough Sunday morning - we didn't make it for church, but had family Bible time instead.  We did made it to Sunday School.
5.  Smoke coming out of the oven - means that we enjoyed homemade pizza recently and it dripped all over the bottom of the oven.
6.  Kent helping Clark put his jacket on so they could play outside.
7.  "I'm Sorry" and "I forgive you."

Counting it Joy in Novemeber - Week 1

This month I am working on counting it joy.  A couple years ago I wrote about James 1:2-4 and really enjoyed the experience.  So once a week this month I plan to show you a list of the things that I can think of being joyful and blessings of things that have taken place this week.

1.  A broken bowl - no one was injured when Katy dropped a serving bowl that literally exploded all over the kitchen and beyond.
2.  A crick in my neck - I get to care for my own baby and sometimes that means sleeping in odd positions after getting up with Quinn during the night.
3.  Big children helping little children get breakfast.
4. Sewing - something I enjoy doing, but often don't feel like I have the time to work on projects.  It's satisfactory to complete something, whether it is mending or a project that I've been wanting to sew.
5. Jeff coming into the kitchen and seeing that the dishwasher needs to be filled and doing it.
6.  Interruptions - shows that the kids need me in their lives, even when it takes me 30 minutes to remake the bed.
7.  Playing a grand piano for a friend who is learning some songs that she needs to practice singing.  -I never thought I'd be practicing on a grand piano.

Pictures from August 6-19, 2013

 Jeff got a new truck.

 The oldest 5 watching Jeff drive to work in his new truck.

 Kaomi, making a fun dollhouse scene.

 Kent and Katy helped snap beans for freezing.  We had an ~28# box and they did a great job.  We had at least double the beans that are in this picture.

Uncle Ben and Aunt Cathy came for a visit.

Our 10th Anniversary

This month we also celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.  We had talked about doing a couple different things for this year, like taking a weekend trip with just the two of us (but Quinn wouldn't have let us) or renewing our vows with our children present (but we didn't try to make any arrangements soon enough for that).  When our anniversary arrived I hadn't had a chance to get anything for Jeff, not even a card, I was a little bummed, but thought maybe I'd come up with something.  I had an idea for a gift, but I didn't get a chance to go out to get it.

Jeff made coffee in the morning for me.  When I went to get a cup from the cupboard I found a new mug with a special note in it.  When I got the to the coffee pot I found another note and a Mr. and Mrs. Coupon book.  I found a card and a package of bright hair ties on the bathroom counter, a note and some duct tape on the corner of my desk, a note and package of children phrases stickers in my diaper bag, a note and a wind chime on the piano, a note and project idea on the bathroom wall, a card and book on my night stand, a note and movie on the entertainment center and a note and special paper to frame on Jeff's desk.  My husband was so thoughtful and gave me 10 reminders of his love throughout the day, besides a few text messages.

We thought about going out for dinner, but we decided that the next day would be better, so the day after our anniversary we had a nice leisurely dinner out at Texas Land & Cattle Steakhouse (Thanks, Dad and Mom for the babysitting services).  Then we stopped at Walmart and I let Jeff pick out the windspinner he liked best as his present from me (aluminum or tin for our 10th anniversary).

My Mother's Day

I finally got the pictures downloaded from my camera from May, so I thought I'd share about Mother's Day.

When I came to the kitchen in the morning, Jeff and the kids were already up.  I found my place set like this.  Jeff even cooked my breakfast!

Mother's Day 2013

On the way home from church Jeff stopped by the side of the road and 

picked a bouquet of wild Flowers for me.

Mother's Day Bouquet 2013

Jeff fixed all the meals of the day and the kids gave me handmade cards and 

the special things they had made in Sunday School.   I felt very special.

Mother's Day 2013

At the end of the day I insisted on a Mother's Day picture with all my children.